The plant bandit

Recently I read an article about a man who robbed two banks in the New York area by carrying his “give me your money” note in a bouquet and a potted plant, respectively. This news led me to begin thinking about what might happen if this should become a fad.

Short robbers could disguise themselves in a hydrangea bush. Taller thieves might try crape myrtle or wisteria camouflage. Bad guys from the south would look like trees covered with kudzu.

“Hey, Y’all give me yore money. Don’t make me pull mah gun. Aw, fergit it. The kudzu ate mah gun.”

Why stop there? This could become a marketing tool similar to the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and delivery cars with  giant dominoes on top. But let’s think vegetation.

Perhaps Asian food could be delivered by a leek driving a car disguised as a stand of bamboo. A mobile jalapeño driven by an agave plant (worm is optional) or a cilantro plant might deliver Mexican food. Italian food possibly could be delivered by a bundle of basil, oregano and wheat.

A bunch of wine grapes would, of course, present our French food. German food could be offered by a basket of hops or cabbages. The Irish might deliver their food via potato or corned beef spices.

One drawback might be that most of us would need to take a botany course to be able to identify what food was coming our way.

“Officer, the runaway car was a leek. No, I think it was a wheat or maybe bamboo. Oh gosh, I don’t know. It was green.”

Another potential problem would be that no one in my acquaintance speaks plant. Most of us talk to plants but we do it in our usual language, whatever that is. So how would we communicate with these plants? Would they be bilingual and speak the local dialect as well as plant? Imagine a cross-botanical delivery.

“Amigo, mi nombre es Cil Antro. Here’s your tacos, no jalapeños.”

“What’d you say? Come ag’in and speak plain Tater.”

Just some potential scenarios to keep you awake at night – or haunt your dreams.

 © Sharon Dillon, August 9, 2010